Everybody Poops

Get your shit together, people. Today we’re going to talk pooping.

Ready? All primed and good to go?

Excellent!

So I recently read this book. Yay for me, right? Yeah. Piss off, smarty-pants.

I’m not going to tell you the name of this book because then this becomes a review and this isn’t the place for that. I’ll tell you that it’s not a famous book. It’s not a best seller and it’s not top of the Amazon charts. I got it as a freebie one weekend ages ago when I was bored and looking for free shit online.

Did I mention we were talking poop?

So, OK. Book. I read the whole thing, even though the last third was a slog. It’s all BDSM this and submissive that and dominant the other thing. It was essentially a training manual for someone wanting to be a submissive. Actually, more of a slave in my opinion. The way the dominant treats her is definitely slave-like. But it had the kind of details you rarely see in a book like this and it was clear from the beginning that the person who wrote it considered themselves something of an expert.

And no, there were no shades of any color. Not even grey.

But there was anal. Lord, was there anal. Anal virginity. Like that’s something precious. (Yup, here comes the eye roll.) Anal with a butt plug. Anal with a dildo. Anal in a double penetration.

Ass everywhere.

Now, granted, they used lube. Lubed up the hole and the thing going in the hole. Which is good because anal without lube is a bad day at the ass.

This author was very specific. About everything. Every toy was lovingly described in sometimes excruciating detail. Every sexual position was very carefully detailed. Every submissive pose the woman was in (because it’s almost always the woman who is the submissive, right?) was explained so you knew just where everyone was and what everyone was doing and who was doing what to whom and where and with what.

Whew!

But in all that explaining and detailing and describing there was no discussion about poop.

Let’s face it. Anal sex can be amazing. If you do it right. With the right person. With full consent. But it’s still sticking something up your ass. The place where poop comes out.

Look, it’s a fact of life. Everybody poops. We all do it. Your mom does it. Your dad does it. Your teacher does it. Porn stars do it. Even you weirdos reading this blog do it.

Try doing it after getting your ass pounded by a guy with an eight inch cock.

Yeah. No description of that shit in this book. No discussion of cleaning first, either. Which pissed me off because this author waxed poetic about a Brazilian waxing. They went on at great length about pretty pussies and sweet pearls and shaving all those hairs off and all kinds of other crap. They talked about putting lotion on their skin first and doing their nails and making sure their makeup was perfect.

But nowhere, even when the submissive knew anal sex was on the table for that evening, did the author mention cleaning out her ass. No douching. Nothing. (And no, it didn’t actually take place on the table. Well, maybe once or twice. But I digress…)

Hey, I’m no expert. It’s not my thing. Frankly I’ve got a perfect body part made for sex. It’s self-lubricating and even (despite what some pseudo-experts might think) self-cleaning. It smells like me. Not like a summer rain. Whatever the hell that smells like.  This body part is warm and endlessly accommodating to the right man. So for me, I’m not really interested in having hubby use my ass when he could enter my happy place and slide home as often as he wants.

But some people love it. It’s all the rage these days. And in a Dominant/submissive relationship, perhaps it’s part of the power and control dynamic. I’m not in a relationship like that so I can’t speak to those issues.

What I can say is that when a cock pounds into an asshole for a while, air gets introduced. Lots of air. It can make you feel nauseous. Which, for the record, is the opposite of sexy. It can result in that air being released when the guy attached to the cock is done. It can make pooping afterward rather uncomfortable.

Anal tissues are sensitive. Very sensitive. You ever get really constipated and wind up grinding out a huge mass? That shit hurts. Plain and simple. Sometimes, so does the next one because you’ve messed up those sensitive tissues. Picture a guy banging away at those for way too long and you get the gist of my thrust here.

Not to mention that remnants of the last poop the recipient of the pounding had can wind up clinging to the cock doing the pounding. Having a towel handy helps (which they didn’t do in this book) but warning a guy who’s never done it before that shit might stick to his cock is kind of important, don’t you think? Who really needs that kind of surprise? But it happens and if you’re going to stick your dick there, you need to be prepared.

Especially since this book was all bareback. No condoms anywhere. Which I definitely DO NOT recommend for anal sex.

There was also very little discussion of post-anal cleanup. For either party. The guy wipes off with some tissues or a towel, pulls up his pants and he’s done. He unbinds his slave or sub or whatever and she’s good to go. Um…no. That’s not how it works. This guy is in for some trouble if he doesn’t recognize that human fecal matter isn’t meant to be spread all over a penis. Unlike urine, which is sterile until it leaves the body, poop is full of bacteria. It’s dangerous. Leaving that shit on your dick isn’t smart or healthy. Wiping it off with a few dry tissues just isn’t going to cut it.

Honestly, I didn’t really care all that much. The book wasn’t good enough for me to give a shit. (See what I did there???) But if you’re going to write what amounts to a BDSM primer, get your shit right. People take this stuff to heart and wind up hurting themselves because they try it at home without really knowing what they’re doing. There’s a ton of really good, really informed stuff online about anal sex. And not on the porn sites, you pervert. If you’re interested, read it. Take your time and ease into it. Literally.

By the way, for those of you who love to watch anal sex porn, you should know that porn stars prep for anal. They limit their food intake for hours beforehand, use enemas and douche. Often repeatedly. They use butt plugs or beads to open things up ahead of time. Porn isn’t sexy, people. It’s work. Get over it.

The bottom line is this. If you’re going to write about anal sex, you need to talk poop. Yeah. I know. It’s romance. Or erotica. Whatever. We skip over a lot of real life stuff. But this author did discuss menstruation and peeing so other bathroom stuff wasn’t off the agenda. Just poop, apparently.

I know it’s uncomfortable to talk about. But even in the most romantic of relationships, we all poop. Sometimes sex can actually cause it to happen. All that activity and orgasmic spasms can cause your colon to react. It’s normal. It’s human.

Here’s what romantic is. You love each other enough to recognize that shit stinks and we all do it. You love him enough to pretend he wasn’t grunting in there. He loves you enough to refill the toilet paper roll without asking. (That’s a big one, guys. Just sayin’.) You love each other enough to flip on the bathroom fan without making a big deal about it.

True love doesn’t care if you poop. It already knows you do. And loves you anyway. Because it’s real. It’s human. It’s part of being in a loving and caring relationship. When you get old together sooner or later one of you is going to probably be cleaning up the other person’s shit. That too, is a fact of life. Diarrhea happens. Constipation happens. Farts happen.

So the next time you write about anal sex, do your homework first. Be honest. You don’t have to go nuts with including every detail but we already spend time talking about his pre-cum and her juices and condoms so why can’t we talk about lube and farts?

Sometimes you just gotta let that shit out.